A young man came to me because he and his new bride had gotten into an argument that ended with throwing things around their home. During our conversation, he said, “I only wanted to be right!”
We too sometimes fight because we want our way. Wanting to win is natural. Nobody wants to lose; everyone wants to win. But there are consequences for the way we demand our own way. Psychotherapist Jeffrey Rubin says the major cause of divorce is not an issue with money or sex. He says the major cause of divorce is “trying to win.” Dr. Phil (CBS television personality) calls this Right Fighting: “one…who spends far too much energy convincing the rest of the world that they’re right.”
Right Fighting is when we argue simply because we want to win the argument or have the last word. But Right Fighting can destroy the relationship. Being right is not worth losing a relationship. Sometimes it is worth losing the argument even if you’re “right” so you can build the relationship.
There is no such thing as winning an argument! As soon as you view any disagreement or difference of opinion in terms of winning and losing, you have already lost. We often use a phrase, “We won the battle but lost the war.” This is exactly what happens when it is more important to us that our position, point of view, or selfish desire prevails over our opponent than the relationship we have with that opponent. This is especially true when the opponent is part of an on-going relationship – family, friend, spouse, colleague, boss, etc. Right Fighting is all about you and relationship is not all about you. Relationship must always be primary to any conflict or dispute, even if it means your viewpoint does not win.
Relationships are a series of disagreements and forgiveness, especially in marriage. Elton John got it right – “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” It is necessary in any relationship to learn to say, “I’m sorry!” The goal in marriage is to learn what makes the other person happy and stop demanding your own happiness. Maturity is measured, not in chronological years, but in how one makes decisions. I have known immature 30-year-olds and very mature 18-year-olds. When you are able to give up being right and choose to forgive the other person, you are on your way to becoming mature. Never be a “right fighter” or you may lose more than an argument.